Dear For Love & Money,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years. She thinks it’s time we take the next step and move in together. My parents, who are old-fashioned and religious, don’t think couples should live together before marriage.
They told me I shouldn’t expect any support if I move in with my girlfriend, including the substantial down payment they’d always promised to help me buy my first house with. I am not surprised because they have always been clear on their beliefs.
I’m ready to propose and get married, but my girlfriend says she won’t even consider marrying someone she hasn’t lived with first. I don’t care either way about the order we do things, but in this economy, rejecting a 20% down payment just to prove a point seems irresponsible.
Sincerely,
Caught Between Parents & Girlfriend
Dear Caught Between,
From the sound of your letter, you seem to think you have two options before you — move in with your girlfriend against your parents’ wishes, or get married and live together the way your parents want you to.
But I’m confused why you think the latter is even an option, because while you may want to please your parents and get your down payment for your future home, you simply cannot make your girlfriend marry you. Breaking up with her doesn’t seem to be on the table either, so, as long as you “don’t care either way,” you really only have one option: do things your girlfriend’s way.
If you read that suggestion and thought, “That doesn’t seem fair,” I don’t blame you. This is one of the most significant life decisions you’ll make; you should have an opinion. My guess is, deep down, you probably already do. The key is in uncovering it.
I’m familiar with this struggle because I often face it myself. When I feel stuck between two people I love with opposing ideas, picking which one I prefer feels impossible because all I really want is for everyone to be happy — more specifically, happy with me. Even more specifically, I don’t want them to be upset with me or blame me for future regret.
But the unfortunate truth is that when I forgo making hard decisions in favor of trying to keep everyone else happy, I’m the one who ends up upset. I’m the one blaming myself for my regrets. Because, just as you do in your case, I also have an opinion, even if I sometimes don’t realize what it is until later, when it’s too late.
There are a few methods I’ve found for figuring out what I want that you might try.
The coin toss trick
Assign each option heads or tails, promise yourself you’ll abide by the outcome, close your eyes, and toss it into the air. When you open your eyes and see which option won, your sense of disappointment or relief should be a great indication of what you wanted to happen.
Consult a counselor
While going to counseling to help you make a single decision may feel dramatic, not all therapy involves crying about your mother in weekly sessions for the rest of your life. You can find a counselor who practices brief, solution-focused therapy. Your job might even offer a few free therapy sessions through their EAP.
Having a third-party professional who’s trained to provide you with a non-judgmental space to explore why you may feel caught between your girlfriend and your parents could help you step back and look at your situation from a new angle.
Talk through the decision with a trusted friend
You could also talk through the decision with a trusted friend. You may wonder why I say “trusted friend” instead of “your girlfriend”. This is indeed a major decision that will impact both of you greatly, and it will be essential that you reach a final, mutually agreed-upon decision as a team.
But to be part of that decision, you have to know what you want first; otherwise, it’s not your decision at all, is it? Sometimes, when we go around and around issues inside our heads, our true opinions get lost in the internal noise. Processing your situation aloud with a friend will allow you the space to hear your thoughts and feelings. Just make sure you listen to yourself with curiosity and attention.
That said, I wouldn’t suggest bringing your parents into this decision-making process at all. Your life with your girlfriend is shared between the two of you. Your actual lived experiences immediately outrank any notions your parents have about propriety and morality.
I’m sure the kind of life-changing money they’re offering must feel tempting, but remember, it’s a gift, not a prize. You can’t earn it, nor should you try. Whether your parents choose to give you that gift is up to them. Any attempt on your part to persuade them to provide you with the down payment will only create a toxic cycle of mutual manipulation, where they treat the money like puppet strings while you treat your own life decisions like they can be exchanged for your parents’ approval in the form of cash.
Meanwhile, your girlfriend’s wishes don’t factor in at all, aside from her free will to leave you and the whole mess behind her if she feels your desire for a down payment is overshadowing your care for her needs and preferences.
If that’s not what you want — and it sure sounds like it isn’t — keep the decision between the two people affected by it: you and your girlfriend. Once you know what you want, tell your girlfriend what that is, so you can work together to figure out how both of you can be happy.
If, like your girlfriend, you want to move in together before you get married, this conversation will be mostly logistical. Or perhaps you realize that you share your parents’ values after all, and you prefer to get married first. If this is the case, one potential compromise could be to live together during your engagement. Or, you could ask your girlfriend if she has any ideas for mutually acceptable compromises.
No matter what you choose to do, remember that a lifetime with the person you love eclipses a five-figure down payment every time. It’s far more responsible to attend to your needs and desires, and those of the person you’ll share your life with, than to try to pry open your parents’ purse strings — even in this economy.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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