A small business owner did me dirty. I’m inclined to ruin her life.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I live in an artsy, liberal, East Coast city where the motto is always “community,” “make art not war,” and “acceptance.” I recently bought an item from a local small, woman- and artist-owned business. The item was not completed within the time frame they provided, so I very politely asked for a refund, and did not receive a reply. I then went online to see reviews of the business—they were pretty much all “buyer beware,” one-star, negative reviews within the past two years. The reviews all warned of horrible communication, the business making excuses as to why the orders weren’t being fulfilled, and customers asking for refunds. The email exchange that followed with the seller was also lackluster in terms of customer service and accountability.

After a few days of silence on their end, I disputed the (less than $25, but that’s not the point) charge with my credit card company. One week later, I received an email from the business, where they made even more excuses. This is a very tricky situation for me. Even if I do receive the refund, I want to go on platforms where the store has shops and write up horrible reviews about them. I want to reach out to community organizations and investigate why this local and “supportive/ally” person is doing this really horrible thing to paying customers, not only in our city but all over the country, it seems. My mind won’t let me get past this concept of trying to ruin this person and the shop’s reputation. I’m not usually like this! I know I should just move on and probably forget the $25. My sense of justice and making things even wants to see her fail. Should I help have her taken down along with the other negative reviewers, or should I let her business ultimately meet its demise on its own?

—Wavering Vengeance

Dear Wavering Vengeance,

There’s a middle ground! Leave a review with an honest account of what happened. Then move on with your life. You don’t have to forget about this unfortunate series of events, but a campaign to ruin the business owner’s reputation is not a good use of your time and won’t make you feel better. Plus, her poor business practices seem to be pretty well documented, so it’s not as if you’d be revealing a secret to the world.

Your extremely strong feelings about a pretty mundane, poor customer service experience are raising “There’s more going on here” alarms for me. I’m circling around a theory informed by your gratuitous description of your liberal city’s values, your focus on the business owner as a failed ally, and your mention of your own sense of justice. I can’t help but wonder whether a feeling of pain or frustration (that the people in your city don’t live up to their proclaimed values, that you feel excluded from their work, or something else) is behind your desire for vengeance. Or could it be that you’re overwhelmed by this political climate and feeling so raw and sensitive that your nervous system can’t tell the difference between mass suffering and a retail-related slight? Do you wish you could orchestrate the demise of a powerful person who’s doing real harm, but will settle for a woman who poorly runs a boutique instead? I can’t say exactly what it is, but I think you should explore these feelings. Then make a plan to redirect your powerful sense of justice to hold people who are really terrible to account and stand up for those who really need it.

Dear Prudence,

I recently reached a major personal milestone—something I worked hard for and felt proud of. My sibling has largely dismissed it. This same sibling calls me frequently, yet sounds bored when I share details of my life. The response isn’t openly hostile, but minimizing and invalidating. For example, I received national media coverage. The response? “Great. Did you see the latest news on X, Y, Z?”

Soon after, I took a short trip to our shared hometown to decompress and reset. I went with a lifelong friend because I wanted space to reflect and to share this milestone with someone who understood how hard I worked for it. I worked remotely during the day and spent evenings pursuing a personal interest specific to the area—one my sibling has shown no interest in. I made time to visit my sibling at the end of the trip, but on my own terms. Instead of respecting that, I was questioned about my schedule and pressed to justify my choices. When I returned home, I was asked whether I was upset and told I could have made different choices so we could have spent more time together. It was framed as concern, but it felt like frustration that I had not complied.

This isn’t new. When I assert independence or protect my time and energy, my sibling reframes my choices until I feel guilty for having needs at all. Communication has since stopped, and the silence feels punitive. I don’t want to cut this person out of my life, but this pattern of minimization, pressure, and emotional withdrawal has become exhausting and, recently, intolerable. How do I maintain a relationship while protecting my boundaries and refusing to participate in this cycle?

—Tired of Being Minimized

Dear Tired of Being Minimized,

Before you think about cutting someone off or making big changes to the way you engage with them—especially if you haven’t had a big conflict and there’s no evidence of intent to hurt you—it’s a good idea to ask for what you want from the relationship. After all, what do you have to lose? But before you do that, you have to decide what you want, which might be a little more difficult.

It will be informed by what your fantasy version of your relationship with this sibling would look like, as well as what you know about their personality, the things that may be fueling their failure to show interest in your life, and how much you’re willing to compromise. One part of your letter that actually makes me hopeful is that they clearly noticed that you didn’t spend much time together on the recent visit and felt sad about it. Even though they delivered the message in a weird way, it seems possible that they would have liked more connection with you, too.

I’m going to give you a script that avoids harping on the “pattern of minimization, pressure, and emotional withdrawal” or placing blame and instead assumes good intentions on their part. We’re not even going to go into the reason you pulled back (which, honestly, was a tad bit passive-aggressive). How about this: “You’re right that we didn’t get to spend much time together last time I was in town. Let’s do better next time! I’ve also been thinking I’d really love to get to know more about each other’s lives and make sure we celebrate each other’s milestones and accomplishments. I know we have pretty different interests, but would you be interested in hearing more about my kayaking races and stuff like that time I was featured in National Geographic? I know I don’t know a lot about your Etsy business, but I admire what you’re doing with the storefront, and I’m curious about how it works. What about a weekly call where we can ask each other questions about all the stuff we have going on that’s not related to our family, and a nice lunch a few times a year to celebrate everything we’ve both accomplished and encourage each other?”

I suspect that some of the behaviors you’re seeing from your sibling may be rooted in their feeling jealous, intimidated, or left out of your life. But underneath that is the same desire you have to be seen and to feel important. So I hope this proposal is intriguing to them.

Plan B, if the above suggestion doesn’t get the results you want, can be to try to lower your expectations. Your sibling can be a person with whom you chat about the weather and the latest show you both watched. You can accept that they just aren’t willing to engage with you about your hobbies. The fact that you received national media attention for a recent accomplishment tells me that you will have plenty of other people in your life who are willing to make up the difference when it comes to honoring your achievements.

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Dear Prudence,

My ex and I never had kids together, but we each brought two kids to the table. I tried to be a good stepmother, but my husband refused to handle his two kids beyond trying to appease them at every turn. They both escalated from outright rude and outrageous behavior into straight criminal activities as they hit their late teens. They went from telling adults to shut up and ignoring regular boundaries like cleaning up after themselves, to stealing. In the same year, my then-17-year-old stepson got expelled for stealing from a club he was in, and his 16-year-old sister was put on probation for breaking into a neighbor’s pool house and trashing the place with her friends.

My husband and I went into debt paying to keep them out of jail, only to be rewarded with them heading right back. My stepson was caught joyriding in a stolen car and completely high, while my stepdaughter managed to get her probation revoked in three months by burning down a neighbor’s garage with fireworks and her drunk friends.

I filed for divorce because the only answer my husband gave was that we needed to remortgage the house to pay for another lawyer, and the fact that my elementary school-age kids were suffering from this constant chaos didn’t change a thing. His kids spent several years locked up, and I know they blame me for “letting” it happen. That was 10 years ago.

I did manage to stay friendly with my ex-mother-in-law, “Judy,” and her daughter, “Jamie.” They actually lived with us for several months because Jamie was undergoing experimental trials for cancer, and my new house was near a major medical center. I never brought up my ex or his kids, but learned through a few bitter conversations that neither of them bothered to stay in touch as adults with their grandmother and aunt unless they wanted money. And this was despite both women helping them out after they got out of jail. Jamie had actually arranged for them both to stay with her and give them jobs in her company, and got burned for it.

Both my children loved Judy and treated her like an extra grandmother, and kept in touch with her as they grew up. When Judy unexpectedly died, we were all heartbroken. We didn’t attend the funeral since my ex and his kids were there, and Jamie didn’t think it was wise. I did send flowers and donated to Judy’s favorite charity in her name. I never expected that Judy would leave anything in her will for my kids. Or deliberately leave out her grandkids. I found out when my ex and his daughter left me profanity-laced voicemails, and I was later contacted by Judy’s lawyer.

It is not an insignificant amount of money, and they get access to it when they both turn 20. My kids are 19 and 17, respectively. I would happily tell my ex to stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine if not for Jamie. She never married and took the death of her mom very hard. Her brother and his kids are her only remaining family. And her cancer has come back. Jamie has asked me to convince my kids to give up a large portion of the money to appease my ex and his kids. To be “fair,” but in reality, Jamie is afraid to be alone. I want to continue to support Jamie, but I will not rob my kids of what Judy wanted them to have. Judy was still very active and sharp when she died. My ex got half of the estate along with his sister. This just reads as greed to me. I don’t want to invite my ex or his kids back into our lives. These past 10 years have been bliss compared to the chaos of my marriage. What do I do here?

—Unexpected

Dear Unexpected,

Nothing. You do nothing. The decision about the money has been made, and it’s realistically not in your power to make your kids give it away. I’m not even sure how Jamie thinks her plan will lead to a good, fulfilling relationship with her brother, but regardless, she needs a new plan.

Plus, it seems to me that if she’s concerned about being alone, she’s better off maintaining her friendship with you than chasing a connection with people who don’t have a great track record when it comes to nurturing family relationships. Try saying something like “I don’t think I have the kind of influence over my kids that could convince them to give up their inheritance, and I’m really not comfortable even asking them to do so. I do want you to know that I’m here for you and care deeply about what you’re going through, so if there’s anything else I can do as your friend during this tough time, I would love to be there for you.”

Classic Prudie

For the past two years my husband Harry and I have struggled with infertility. As a teen I dealt with an STD that could have affected my ability to have children. For that reason, and because Harry said his sperm count was fine, I have always blamed myself for our inability to conceive. We’ve kept our struggle with infertility very quiet. Thankfully, our families have never pressed us about when we’re going to have kids. Last week I broke down to my wonderful mother-in-law about how difficult this experience has been…